Sweet creeping Christ!!!! This Hamlet-based story is so empirically evil on so many levels...where do I even start? I may have to invent a word to describe this kind of godawfulness because nothing else is working for me.
For one thing, this author wouldn't know proper Elizabethan English if it sat on his face (and come to think of it, that might qualify as the most action he's ever gotten). His verbs, vocabulary, tenses.... they're just wrong. And as if that weren't enough, the high-toned language is littered with all kinds of charming scatalogical terms.
Oph:[Allowing Laertes' stiff cock to go into her hot,moist snatch]AAAAHHHH!
Oh, and I can almost guarantee that the author acquired most, if not all, of his knowledge of the language from a Shakespearean English Magnetic Poetry Kit. I know this because the words "saucy", "tavern", and "wench" are all words included in that kit. Coincidence? I think not. In fact, most of the period-specific words in that story can be found in the Shakespearean Magnetic Poetry Kit. You make the call.
Pol:[Turning towards Ophelia]As for thou,my daughter!Thou shalt never be able to perform any other such foul deeds,for thou art not like a saucy tavern wench!
Oph:[Looking at Polonius with the look of hate in her eyes]Thou art wrong,father!For I am a woman!And I shall be treated like one--even like one who is that of a saucy tavern wench!
And do I even need to mention the pure nastiness of the incest in this little discussion????
Do you all in England feel the ground shaking? I thought so. That's William Shakespeare doing barrel rolls in his moldy old grave. I mean, my God.
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